Negative State

I’ve been reading a lot again, lately. And by “a lot” I mean like a craving that I keep feeding but never gets satisfied and only keeps wanting more. I’ve been reading so I can’t leave myself alone with my thoughts. I’ve been reading not to be entertained, but to escape.

Usually this triggers me that I’m entering again a depressive state. Or a negative state, if depressive is such a big word. Now I’m wondering how I go into this state or why. I’m happy, am I not? I’m content. So, why?

Looking back to the last few days or even weeks, I realize I’ve been thinking of so many negative thoughts. Even my emotions are negative. I easily get angry. I easily get hurt. I easily get offended. I easily get lonely. Sometimes I find myself too impatient. Sometimes I find myself staring blankly. At first I blamed this to PMS, but that period is already over and I’m still in this state.

Lucky for me and the people around me that I’m not a violent person. With all the negative-ness, a normal person would have already hurt someone by now. Instead, I keep my silent, which is normal for me, I guess. But truth be told, there were instances that I truly wanted to hurt someone. It’s just not in me to act like that.

Now I’m writing to express these thoughts, which I wouldn’t have done if my boyfriend hadn’t pointed out this morning that I haven’t got a new post. If you’re wondering, yes, he’s my number one fan. Haha. Anyway, I’ve been dreading doing this over the last couple of days because it requires me to think. So I read because, as I said, that’s the escape.

Now, I’m going to read again.



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